Starlight (Part-1)

  I wonder where I was all these years, felt like someone else was living my life, there was an intruder in my body, and I am awakening dreadfully slow and I regaining my control. As I wake up I keep losing memory and this has persisted over the past years, nothing of my past 36 years I remember, everything is in me somewhere as a subtle emotion but it is fading. I try to remember but nothing, nothing comes to me. Suddenly all the panic and the misery is gone and with it the memories. I recently stumbled upon a folder in my old laptop, I found pictures of the past 11 years, where it all began, the beginning of the end. The end of what, I don't know yet, this is what I question quietly to myself. But in some strange way I feel like I'm on auto pilot, but this time completely aware, this time I am completely awake, slowly taking back control. I feel a shift in my being, somewhere and somehow I have changed in a way that I can never go back to who I was. All I see now is start light within me, which once was a space of absolute darkness an empty evil void where my soul was tested, examined and challenged and tortured. And if you ask me who did this to you, I'd say it was me. I thought it was many other things but that wasn't the truth it was me. Now I'm so glad where I've reached I see star lights lighting my empty dark void up, one by one as they come to life.

The photos of the past 11 years did not paint a sad picture, they were lively and if a stranger were meant to see them they would have thought, I have lived a very blessed life. When I look at it now, I see the same and wouldn't disagree with this stranger but the big question is, Why did I feel the opposite? Why was I lost and depressed? It didn't seem like I missed anything, but why did I feel the things that I felt then? Why was I a zombie of a man rotting quietly, slowly, steadily from the inside? This is the face of depression, while the waters looked calm on the surface it was a violent storm from within and when I was within that storm. I was so lost with a complete absence of myself. I was nothing but a broken man trying to find his way back, a man looking for his purpose, a man looking for himself. It was a violent experience emotionally, which was out of control, a storm like no storm seen before it felt like a million raging suns exploding all at one breaking me into a trillion small bits. Shattered, confused and raging on substances to save my sanity. But in all honesty I didn't know what exactly I was looking for. And then began this endless search, a minute ago I was this sane guy looking for a job looking forward to build his life but somewhere between those moments something exploded in me and it took just a moment for my entire perspective of life to change and the journey which I chose then forward was completely different from what I was programmed from birth to do. My heart was in complete rebellion with my mind, absolute anarchy it was, and my soul was rebelling taunting me to wake up from the dream, I knew my soul was the reason behind it all and I wondered, why now. I was deeply rooted in the third dimensional world of attachments and so I was burning under a raging fire from within unaware what was happening to me.

I with drew from the world of man, I retreated to a quiet corner so I could ponder and reconcile with myself. I withdrew to heal and restore myself. I did this because the world was far too noisy, I felt like I could feel everyone's thoughts and emotions and it created so much noise in my head I couldn't hear myself. Something was happening to me and I could not speak of this to anybody because to me it felt like I was going insane. I had to detach myself from everything and everyone, it was noisy even at night even the quietness of the night seemed like a lie and I wanted to escape it all. The process was slow because I was holding tight to the idea of who I was but when the pain became overbearing I let go. I let go of everything, I let go of my mother, father, sister, family and friends, I just didn't feel like I was who I was to these people anymore. I wasn't this guy at all to all these people with whom I have shared my life with. I felt like I told them the wrong story of who I was and I was someone else completely. I felt like I have betrayed myself for painting the wrong picture and living this lie all these years and this tore me apart. The bigger mystery was "Who was I then?" I was clueless apart from the programming I was before. I realised I was a lie, a fake version of myself and since I knew only this part of me, I felt betrayed as well. This sudden shift of my reality within me was scary beyond any words could describe. It was panic, anger, guilt, shame and a very deep level of melancholy that consumed me for days, weeks and years until now that I boldly embraced it. 

Feeling vibrational most of my time now a days and as more days go by I feel that I am less of my body, emotions and material life but rather a vibration, a cosmic vibration expressing itself in a body feeling these emotions. The need to expand is so immense sometimes I feel my body will not be able to contain this as the energies within are so explosive moving me in ways forcing me in ways to express myself like a timeless river waiting to gush out of me and hence began this urge to write and once I start writing I cannot stop I got to write and write. This was what I felt for the past decade but the words wouldn't come but now it flows. I've got something to say and its so important, before I couldn't remember what it was but now its slowly coming to me like starlight. Rays of light are falling upon me that have travelled great distances lighting up my path. The conversation would be deep there is so much I have to say but I'm going to say it in bits and pieces in small doses so you feel and vibrate with me cause I'm going to lift you up to a whole other dimensional way of thought at angles you would have never ever thought to think and in ways you would have never thought of living. An explosive life of joy and happiness but embracing the darkness. Every word that I write is a true expression of a void that lives within you, a void that we don't talk about even to our near and dear ones a void only you know you need to fill up. A void you know that tells you "This is not my life, there is so much more, I am so much more". I know there is a thirst within yourself where you dream of a glorious life, its just there, but yet so far, a soulful yearning to break down those walls you have built and to be seen just as you are vulnerable yet strong, free as free could be, to be a complete expression of yourselves living a life of worthy dreams dreamt. 

When we were little kids and when we were scared to sleep in the dark our parents would kiss us goodnight and tell us not be afraid of the darkness. It would be the same parents who would warn us of the world later in life and tell we ought to be vigilant as it is a dark world out there restricting our growth to understand it. They would have successful instilled fear into our minds, of the fears they carried with their experiences in life, but the truth of the world is far from it. The world is an amazing place with a plethora of wonderful experiences. The illusion of fear what was fed into the mind will always keep you from seeing the true beauty of this world, because no matter where you go later in life it would be the fears first holding you back from actually living a wonderful life. Everyone in todays world wants to be positive and think only happy thoughts without accepting the darkness within themselves which I feel is a fake kind of being positive. Cause there cannot be any form of light without darkness they both go hand in hand. In my perspective my darkness is my light, my darkness shows me what I should release, so I find the light trapped within me. My darkness shows me the way to the light it teaches me to trust myself so that I could find my way within my burning heart. I have made peace with it and am learning to navigate it. The light in me is beginning to flicker and just like the trillions of stars in the night sky it will find its way out of the darkness to shine its light on anyone and everyone who seeks it.

So before we enter the light lets be comfortable within the darkness. Be patient as you read for I am going to take you one a journey no one has ever taken you before. It is going to be dark for a while so be patient, because it might have just taken a few minutes for you to read it but its has been days and weeks collecting unto 36 years of my life. The story I'm about to tell will amaze you, shock you, might bring a tear but in the end will encourage you to tear the ignorant illusions and cycles within yourself so one day when you wake up you see and experience the same things you do now but from a different light. Let it inspire you in your own way there isn't one way or one path to whatever you dream off but there is only one start, one moment when you decide. Have you ever noticed the night sky is dark with only star light and the moon of course. But my point is in the night darkness is predominant and in spite how far away the stars are even if there was only one in the night you would be able to see it right. Imagine for how long its light should have travelled to reach us. Imagine how long it should have shined from where ever it existed for us to see it on earth. In spite of all the darkness around it, it still shined that light and what if the night sky lit starting with one star and as it shone it awakened other stars. We humans are no different from those stars we are all starlights meant to shine our light. And if you are a lonely star afraid to shine your light, to you I say I'm right here, I feel you and understand your mind and slowly together we'll shine together in today's starry starry night skies.

P.S.

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