The Man In The Mirror

I feel different now a days, I'm no longer interested in the things I once loved. Feels like a new persona is emerging from my core and I'm in the, in between stage, stranded trying to figure out how life is going to unfold in the coming days. There was a time in my life I couldn't imagine being sober, there was always the need to be using something or the other to keep the excitement of living alive in me. But the poison I kept consuming began its damage and now I can barely think of using anything again. I used to absolutely love watching movies and TV shows, never missed a new movie and I'd always see it on the first show. There were weekends I spend just watching movies, 4 shows. But nothing interests me now but solitude and silence, I used to hate spending time in my room and hence I was always out but now I just want to stay home. No longer hanging out with friends and spending late nights at clubs, but now sitting on my sofa wondering how am I going to fill all this time up now. I always found time to do something or the other, but now I just want to sit and be still. And If I break and go back to my old self I get sick to my stomach. All these years I have been falling into myself just falling, falling and falling, I see so many changes that has happened over the years. And now the falling seems to be slowing down now a days, and a new feeling that I a floating or levitating is surging and filling in me. I no longer find the need to chase after life and everything seems to find me. Suddenly when I lost all the fear of this feeling of falling I began somehow to fly. The winds of change has swept through me and I beginning to feel like myself after a very, very long time. 

I have always wondered, what is the story of my life? What am I trying to portray by living in my life. This introspection has deepened lately and I beginning to feel like I have reached the future of what my former self had planned, thought or dreamed. All of a sudden I feel so good and my mojo is back, but this time I am not my old self, but a completely new person seems to be emerging. Someone who feels more real to me, a version of myself that's closer to the authentic self I keep feeling in me. I feel so free I know I can literally do anything I want in life and a reassuring emotion overwhelms me, telling me all good things will happen at the right time. I feel relieved from the endless search I was on and now feel it is over and all the answers are going to come to me. I'm in so much peace, I feel light like the warm gently summer breeze. I feel the story of my life is just going to begin. Feels like I've fought all the battles and the war is coming to an end, the calmness I get of that feeling, that I can finally let my guard down now and sit under a tree and just breathe and be free overwhelms me. I feel reassured of my future with so much hope that no mater what is thrown at me, victory is the way it's going to be for me, no matter the odds I have to face. Over dosed in my confidence I feel so relieved and the calmness is filling inside me, putting me at ease. The scars are evident of the experiences I have accumulated over the years that have shaped me and this new person emerging at this moment seems like a truer version of me, someone more authentic and closer to the feeling of me. Someone more rounded and grounded, humble and unshaken. Someone who was a dream in my past not knowing that he was the real me.

When you come from a past that was blindingly dark with the slightest hint nor shimmer of hope, there is no other way than to buckle under its pressure and explode. And when you explode you have a choice, a choice to fall to the the demons that preyed on you, the demons that owned you and mimicked  its ways through you. Chaining you to be the victim helpless and used as a puppet for their own design. Or you rebel and fight those demons until you re-emerge out of it victoriously, having the enemies and the demons by the balls. Like a true man, who shines his light opposing the darkness that consumed him and being the beacon of hope for the generations after him. When the generation before you have failed and took and took and took from you, draining you out of every inch of life in you, you have no other choice than to fight and fight you must for your own right, cause now it has become your fight. Never look up to them as they will shamelessly go to their deaths as the ones that took away everything. Maybe this is nature's own conception so the generation after them will rise. For rise I will to my dying breath, I will fight until I shine so much light the past itself will shine bright. This is how real men are born the ones that stew in the wrath, hate and greed of their elders and thrown to the world to survive. The ones that has rolled in the dirt , fought when no strength was left, the ones that have no other option than to rebel and rebel with his own self until he brings the light home. The ones that are outcast and the ones that exiled their own-selves fighting their demons and figuring their way against the odds thrown at them. This is how real men are born, those who boil under the idea that he can make it or die trying.  

The man in the mirror is beginning to take that shape, I don't know what the future has for me but I know what I must do. Quietly and silently in the backgrounds I will grow. We are all in our journey of life, we are all telling the story of our lives. What is the story you are telling? I'm not asking you to move mountains but at least fight to become the best version of yourself and that by itself would have been the greatest gift you can give to anyone and yourself. I keep looking back at the evolution of myself and each time I look at the mirror I am beginning to realize I'm witnessing the transformation of a boy to a man. And I keep asking the man in the mirror, Who are you? What is your story? It is a long hard way ahead but it is ok, for this is how real men are made, and if your are still wondering how? It is the hard way alone on that highway. It is through the fires of judgment, disappointment and failure, it is through the  coldness of rejection, self-doubt and uncertainty. This is how real men are born, the ones that don't know to quit. The ones that fight for the greater good. And when I am on my death bed moments away from my death I want to look back at my life and feel awesome, I want to feel like I truly lived in all ways imaginable and finally die for a cause as well. For when, I leave this planet I want to leave shining so much light inspiring the future generations and riding a dragon roaring into the heavens.